PERSONAL STORY: To the child I never met, a Mother's Day story

May 10 marks both Mother's Day and World Lupus Day, and this story that honors both.

Not all mothers have children they can hug or hold. Sometimes, a child enters the world of the dead before they can enter the world of the living. 

The pain of losing a child through miscarriage is indescribable as one wonders how to grieve for someone they never truly met.

I was pregnant once but never again. Most people assume that Riz and I, married for over 30 years, are "childless." This is understandable, as no one ever saw me pregnant, nor did they see us raise children or take them to school or church. 

However, we do have a child and our confessor has assured us that the child we lost through miscarriage is in Heaven.

The priest explained that our child is not an "angel," but a real person whose soul, free from sin, transitioned to Heaven after death.

Our confessor said having a child in Heaven is a rare and precious gift from God because only those without sin can enter Heaven.

Heaven is a place of eternal reward so pure that only those without sin may enter it. Hell, on the other hand, is a place of eternal punishment for those who rejected God and died unrepentant of their sins, according to the Eternal Word Television Network. 

Most of us have to go through purgatory before we could reach Heaven. "Before we enter into full communion with God, every trace of sin within us must be eliminated and every imperfection in our soul must be corrected," EWTN said.

However, our confessor assured us that our child, having passed away before committing any sin, is certainly in Heaven.

LONGING FOR A CHILD

In the early years of our marriage, I often wished for a child. I always hoped to be a mother like our Mom—a quiet and gentle person whom I looked up to with love and respect.

Sadly, people with lupus like myself, often have difficulty carrying a child. In my case, I was pregnant for less than six weeks only.

Lupus is not a disease for the faint-hearted.

In lupus, the immune system attack a person’s own tissues, similar to a “friendly fire,” according to Johns Hopkins Lupus Center.

Lupus is very difficult to diagnose as it can affect different people in different ways. The symptoms can range from mild to severe and the triggers are unbelievably common: a simple cold or a brief exposure to the sun can trigger a lupus attack.

Lupus can trigger complications that can affect the skin, kidneys, lungs, heart, or brain.

The Mayo Clinic said, “Pregnant people with lupus have a higher risk of losing the pregnancy, called miscarriage.”

When I experienced a miscarriage, getting pregnant again was something that I deeply wished for but felt I could not achieve. 

Around that time, I experienced serious health issues — losing 20 pounds in a single month, suffering a stroke, and having a blood pressure reading of 50/30.

Surviving and living through that is an immense gift from God.

Having a husband, family, and friends who supported me through my health journey is another incredible gift from God.

When I felt that becoming pregnant again was impossible, I asked my husband Riz if he wanted us to adopt a child.

However, Riz said we already have a child in Heaven and aside from that, the burden of raising a child may be too much for me physically.

God has made things this way for us and I humbly and gratefully accept His will.

MY LETTER TO THE CHILD WE NEVER MET

During the pandemic, I was selected from among thousands of applicants for the Ricky Lee Scriptwriting Workshop.

It is an immense honor to be mentored by Dr. Ricky Lee, National Artist for Film and Broadcast Arts.

Most people know that Sir Ricky is an incredibly gifted screenwriter. According to his website, he has produced about 180 film scripts, earning him about 90 trophies.

One of these films is "Himala," which received the CNN Award for Best Asia Pacific Film of All Time in 2011.

I belong to Batch 25 of Sir Ricky Lee's scriptwriting students. Our group had five members, including the multi-awarded international actress Dolly de Leon.

One of our assignments from Sir Ricky was to write out to someone who will likely never be able to read our letter. My thoughts immediately turned to the child we lost through miscarriage. Here below is a new version of the letter to the child we never met:

Dear child:

Hello! I am your mother but we have never met. I was so eager to meet you from the moment the doctor at The Medical City confirmed I was five to six weeks pregnant with you.

In the doctor's clinic, the one who was examined by the doctor just before me was a famous actress. I overheard her and the doctor conversing excitedly as she was confirmed to be pregnant.

I remember nodding and smiling at the actress as she finished her appointment just before mine. When it was my turn, the doctor was also very happy for me and your father. Sadly, only a few days later, I suffered severe bleeding and learned that we had lost you.

The actress, on the other hand, had a successful pregnancy. I even saw her and her son on the news and wondered if you lived, what kind of person you would have been.

Would you have been a boy or a girl? [It was too early to tell your gender, we were told.]

Would you have been shy like me or outgoing like your father? Would you have been into writing and books like me or sports and photography like your father? He was a varsity table tennis player and a camera club officer. For my part, I was a science club president and editor of the school paper.

We are both journalists, your father and I, and we met while covering an event: the Catholic Mass Media Awards at the Archbishop's Palace in Mandaluyong, where we also chose to get married.

I am not sure if you already know these things about us as you are in Heaven.

I have been thinking about you and wondering how Heaven is. I can only imagine how beautiful and glorious it must be to be with God and to see Him at all times.

If I ever reach Heaven, would I immediately see God or you or our Dad, who has gone ahead of us?

If you see God or Dad, please tell them that I deeply and sincerely love them. And please know that even though we did not get the chance to meet you, we deeply love you too, dear child.

See you in Heaven in God's time.

With much love,

Your Mother